For the last two years, my home has been alive. Living. Two legs and the biggest, yet gentlest heart beat. A bright, beautiful smile, full of mischief and love and promise. Two sparkling eyes, with a hint of cheek and a whole lot of life. My home didn’t have an address. No, he was a wandering embrace that travelled spontaneously and often. I always knew where he was, and I was always home, even when physically I was hundreds or thousands of miles afar. My home became part of me, who I was, who I was to becoming. He lived inside my heart, knew where I was, why I laughed and cried, the thoughts that kept me up at night. My home knew me at the deepest level, as if only he had ever seen the bottom of the iceberg.

As I cry at the world, I long to go home. But distance never stole my home, so why should this? I may never feel the safety of his arms. Physically. But my home still exists within me. He still knows who I was, why I was that person, the songs that made me cry and the stories that made me laugh. He didn’t know me before we met, and now he won’t know me after. But during he knew me better than I knew myself. I knew the purest form of the love he gave me, and me to him, and that is something that after cannot steal from me.

My home is not gone. He is simply different, a soul instead of a beating heart. In some ways I know that is equally as special as it is painful, because there is a version of him and I frozen in time. Forever. He both knew me, and will know me for the rest of my life. A pain I wish upon no-one, but a reprieve knowing I will always have my home in my head, my heart and the person I will become.

I watch and read and listen.
I crave the experiences of others
To feel normal or ignorant I am not yet aware.
To feel accompanied in my grief, or denying it all the same

I view the twinkling smiles of a newly engaged couple
My hearts roars with envy at the sight of something I will never obtain
A simple blessing I will not be graced with
For brief moments, the encounter fills my soul with an almost
And I picture me and you
Reality pales me
Quickly and cold, the almost is swallowed by never

A puppy bounds into the arms of a boy and a girl
Wholesome and warm, I think of me and you
It’s not instantly my heart cries
But then it does, painfully reminding me
Longingly wishing for a day that will never come
But almost

I watch and read and listen.
Reminders of a lifetime my fingertips almost touched.